GatorGirl Oh man, I have been there, LW. That is so funny and I kind of love it. We say and hear it all the time — even if it isn’t directed at anyone in particular. Go find a someone that says “i love you” at the drop of a hat — but constantly treats you like shit. I used to get anxiety over not having everything mapped out a day in advance, because I’m the type of person who plans my entire life out 5 years in advance and I tend to have anxiety when I don’t know exactly what the plan is. I doubt he’s ever said “I love you” to his parents, but he’s extremely verbally affectionate with me? Aug 7, 2015 - The first time my boyfriend said “I love you,” after we had been dating about 18 months, it was like a fairy tale. October 15, 2013, 10:36 am. I think if you are the type that can’t handle teasing though, ever, you really will have trouble being with a person who teases (captain obvious over here, I know!). With one person being more verbal and another showing it through gifts, etc. October 15, 2013, 12:52 pm. lets_be_honest GatorGirl Worst feeling ever. Fabelle Maybe you need to to find a nice way of telling him something that means “okay, you’re just way too fucking late now”? Or if you were working on stuff with him he’d pretend to be seriously mad about something but then laugh and say just kidding when you apologized for whatever he was seemingly pissed about. I’m so happy that we have so much time to be with one another. Sure, on some days when I’m already in a bad mood or have just had a shitty day, I get pissed and ask him to cut it out, and he does. Basically I would be content in your relationship, but it’s ok if you’re not. October 15, 2013, 12:42 pm. its so weird to me how the comments are so divided- and shit, i guess i should check up on if im in an abusive relationship? Probably. If you have so many bad things to say about your boyfriend that you have to cut out the good things for brevity, then that’s too many bad things. “Well, um. The funny thing about “love” the word though is that, after that one magic moment, both members of the couple are then obligated to say it to each other every time they speak. October 15, 2013, 10:56 am. It’s possible. are we doing dinner?” & then go from there. Posted Feb 16, 2019 It was kind of a light conversation, he never said anything that was actually cruel or I wouldn’t have put up with it, but we rarely have that conversation anymore. Then, going forward, I would check with him before doing things like cooking a nice dinner or making plans or accepting invitations for the two of you. October 15, 2013, 9:24 am. It was 4 a.m. on New Year’s Day, and we were walking through the streets of Rome back to the apartment we were borrowing near the Trevi Fountain. Everyone has flaws, there’s always a price of admission, you just have to lay it out and decide whether the price is too high for you. Idk. First, Wendy’s suggestion to have mutual friends tell you about plans is a good one. October 15, 2013, 10:07 am. a)Ha Ha What a Funny Human Quirk! But it’s also possible that this is just an incompatibility issue. But teasing that she’s stupid? meadowphoenix Take over social planning duty since him telling you about things is an issue. But I know she’s like that, so I don’t schedule plans with her that will cause me to be upset if she isn’t there on time. lets_be_honest "I knew I was ready to say 'I love you' when saying 'I like you' just wasn't cutting it in my heart. Absolutely do what Wendy says and tell your friends to give you invitations personally. I would like to think that when it comes to the teasing, the boyfriend doesn’t realize how much it really bothers the LW. Mr. Othy was chronically late when we first started dating. Also this may sound hypocritical but on the flip side I dated a guy that was like 2 hours late to everything. Because it appears that she only addresses the teasing in the moment, and it could help to address it as a whole. These issues may be growing pains. So now we tell each other "I love you" all of the time. It always pissed me off because it took him 45 minutes to get home from school, then an additional 30 minutes to get to my place from his place. I’ve noticed in the past when the teasing thing has come up between us, telling him I felt bullied or like it was a manipulative power play just did NOT sink in with him, and in fact lead to that “you’re overreacting” response. That would be bizarre. Turn the tables around. Just spit the words out when she says she wants you to say I love you. If you want spontaneous affection, are there other things that would do the same as “I love you” for instance? It drove me nuts and I was about ready to be dumb. October 15, 2013, 10:45 am. The majority of men don’t like to say ‘I love you’ first. #2. She responded with "I love you" back. Yes, I called him a crybaby because he was so upset that I was upset and trying to console me. You’re so wonderful that you made me forget my reply to your “I love you.” I’m so lucky to have you in my life. Haha. They don’t just like you. I see no difference between that and saying I love you. There’s nothing wrong with being one way or the other, except when people with opposite view points get together and that creates conflict. If you see that your boyfriend hardly ever calls or messages you, and if he says he is too busy or tired to talk to you, it’s an indication that he has lost interest. There Is No Love Or Gentleness In His Voice When He Talks To You. One guy I dated straight up told me if we were to get to that point, he would tell me once and that would be it, because he just didn’t express himself like that. And if you’re really invested in doing something together, tell him in the morning, and ask him if he had any other plans. lets_be_honest My new MO is going to be to try to eat vegan most days of the week and just, you know, sneak in a pizza or three here and there. But once someone tells you it upsets them, isn’t the easiest thing in the world to do is just say it? We don’t live together, but it still kind of bothered me because I was like, “well, what the fuck am I doing tonight? Because that shit really bothers me too. So everybody, that’s the new rule! Him saying he loves you a lot could very well be what he means by saying it. But if you can indeed accept him as is and not slowly accumulate resentment against him for his behaviour, then carry on. October 15, 2013, 9:43 am. However, If you do, then it means you might have fallen out of love with your boyfriend and you need to start figuring out what you have to do about the relationship. If I take it too far, Peter will tell me and I’ll apologize. I don’t really like sarcasm, either. I don’t think this is necessarily a MOA situation, but if you are still bothered by these things after trying numerous different ways to resolve them, well you may have found a dealbreaker you didn’t even know existed. I want “I love you” to be special. I’d sit down and tell him, from my heart that it hurts you be called “gross”. Something to think about. I think understanding where the other person is coming is always good in a relationship. October 15, 2013, 10:14 am. rachel Sounds dumb. so you need to find a level of acceptance or just leave. And Swiss. Kate B. The … – Bf tells me I’m gross when I kiss him October 15, 2013, 12:48 pm. Your words are like candies: All very sweet! Being late is probably my biggest pet peeve, so it would eat at me a lot. First I am going to talk about the “what your ex boyfriend says” portion of the section and then I am going to go into the “what he really means” portion of the section and give an in-depth explanation of what your ex boyfriend really means when he says things to you. Or does he get upset? Christy I've been with my boyfriend for almost a year now, and I know that we love each other. I would actually not lie to him, unless that is something you think he would think was justifiable by his lateness. That’s so douchey, but probably something you can’t change about him, so adjust accordingly. I use that relationship as a yardstick of how I will not allow someone to treat me. And I was like well then we can’t date because I need that (we had been together on and off over a year). It won’t work if you have to do it too often because it’ll create resentment then. Hearing the words? I’m different with romantic loved ones, though— I say it all the time. It looks like for you to question this, you feel he is doing it far more than you. Because I would be. I’d also get a joint calendar – electronic or paper – and have him put things like band practice, drinks with Jim, whatever on it, so that you know. Teasing. ), Diablo GatorGirl 2. iwannatalktosampson At first, none of the things listed here … making plans at the last minute, being habitually late (but for me it would be hours not minutes) were deal-breakers. It wasn’t that he was always late, but it was the fact that he could never communicate with me about what he was doing if we had plans. and people are shitty at large- it follows you will have to learn to deal with shitty behavior. As long as you accept that it’s probably something he always does, and as long as he doesn’t continue with a mean moment or does apologize if he says something that crosses a line, you’re fine. October 15, 2013, 12:47 pm. They just don’t know what else to say. It is important for women to know exactly how their boyfriend feels about them. Now I’m married and I’ve said it every so often to my husband but 95% of the time we say it (which isn’t much), he says it first. I felt like I could tell her anything about me or what was on my mind and I wouldn't be judged. I will say, if I was the guy I’d be feeling pretty shitty if my GF came at me with 3 big things “wrong” with me. Yeh, that price would be way too high for me. Maybe the LW can learn to deal with this, but it might just be that they are too different to make this work, and she could go on to find someone who has a set of problems that’s easier for her to accept. When I was in a dating relationship I'd often think to myself that my boyfriend rarely calls me. He was also super sarcastic. Not my wife, not my parents. October 15, 2013, 12:04 pm, Happy to clarify – I shudder to think you guys are not up-to-date on my newest rules, the horror!! It would be like a grenade if grenades only made a long bang that scared you but that showered you in sunlight, lollipops, and silly string that is easy to get off and doesn’t stain your clothes. And I said all that because I feel like you might have the same problem. Some cultures don’t think being “on-time” is even a thing. What he has done, though, is start seriously telling me good things he thinks and feels about me much more often. Whatever you do, don’t say “I love you” back if you don’t actually mean it. Why do u have to be with me when you don't love me?" Well done, well done. Yet, if you called him out on stuff he had absolutely NO sense of humor. Addie Pray October 15, 2013, 10:59 am. I’d say drop the cantaloupe. Everyone has offered really great advice, but to give some perspective- I am chronically late, like just always, even though I do most times try to be on time. But she has already asked him to stop on multiple occasions. So now they are at a point where either she “lightens up” and puts up with behaviors she doesn’t like, or they break up. I told him that I didn’t feel like an important priority in his life when he didn’t inform me of his plans. Whatever. 2) People do not think of time the same way. Ugh he used to purposely embarrass me in front of just about anyone. I have no idea how long that might take, but I do know that you have to be firm in getting your message across. 146 COMMENTS * advertisement. Communicate your feelings! I haven’t stopped thinking about you all day. Sue Jones my advice to you specifically though is to either toughen up, accept your boyfriend the way he is, or dont and leave. Whenever I bring this up to him (or even friends and family), I’m usually told that I “need to lighten up” and “stop being so emotional” and “not let such small things get to me.”, Is the problem really my inability to “go with the flow”? Absolutely. Over the course of the weekend we spent together we would say it occasionally. Also, like Wendy said, just ask him before you do big time-consuming things if he’s got plans. Oh that Bob, a real great sense of humor that one. He doesn’t listen to you, and you have to remind him about your mom’s birthday dinner at least a few times a week, if you want him to be there. If you don’t feel good about a situation, that’s a big sign. They’d walk into his office for a meeting or whatever, and he would say “hey, I bet you don’t know who ‘so and so’ is, do you? You read this letter and your knee jerk reaction was no way. kerrycontrary October 15, 2013, 11:47 am, Addie Pray (You’re welcome.) You can’t make someone grow up — and sometimes they NEVER grow up. So, I guess, the point being; it’s not always how you were raised), Fabelle And if it’s not terribly important that he/you guys be somewhere exactly on time, try not to give such a fuck. So a bunch of smaller conflicts might be too much to bear cumulatively. October 15, 2013, 5:03 pm. Others on here are shouting gaslight. GGuy picks at me sometimes, he makes fun of my OCD cleaning and obsessiveness about like everything, but he also knows the line. I feel it when he holds my hand in the movie theatre just so he can be closer. So I’m projecting myself onto the LW. That’s not annoying teasing, that’s asshat behavior all the way. -boyfriend is a lousy planner And I can help you with the late thing— my boyfriend is also chronically late. It was 4 a.m. on New Year’s Day, and we were walking through the streets of Rome back to the apartment we were borrowing near the Trevi Fountain. 13. And stop trying to get friends and family on your side with everything… this isn’t a group project it’s your relationship. I am someone who needs things planned way in advance, my husband not so much. If not, what is a good way to stress the importance of adjusting some of these behaviors? I know you love him, but like Wendy said, it’s really important that you figure out if you’re just annoyed or if it’s impacting your elf-esteem or general well-being. 3. Everything you just said! I really do like you a lot, and well. see, theater, well, it’s just not my preferred form of art; i like cinema much more and i have a hard time appreciating it. If friends wondered why I wasn’t there, I would say something like “Oh you know Joe, he never tells me anything, so I didn’t know about the party. He CONSTANTLY says I'm beautiful ect, and again I appreciate it and love it but it's hard to when he says it EVERY FIVE SECONDS and its driving me crazy. Love all of your advice, Wendy! GatorGirl 1. For what it’s worth, I don’t like that kind of teasing either. You are under no obligation to wait until he’s ready to do something, especially if that’s causing you upset. Unless I’m drunk. And he seriously failed at informing me of his plans (dude went to Canada for a week and a half without telling me). That’s what I was trying to say. This is when something actually annoys you/you don’t like something, but you don’t want to start an argument/make them upset, so you “tease” them about it in hopes they will get your non-verbal picture or so that you can express annoyance without upsetting the status quo, because hey you could be teasing like type a) teasing. “If you do and you don’t mean it, you’re introducing dishonesty into your relationship,” Anderson says. Or if larger plans depend on me being somewhere on time, I will make it there. And I think we both feel it walking through Rome in the middle of the night, tipsy on the cobblestones, happy that we’re together and that we don’t need to talk about our emotions to feel them. I guess the key is still knowing the love is there while you tease? 2. October 15, 2013, 12:07 pm. Tired of responding to his ‘I Love You’ the same old and boring way? Most Helpful Girls. One way we worked it out was that I made my plans for my life and didn’t let him make the plans. If ever there was a man who deserved a good kick in ass, this is the one. And I did talk to him about it several times, but I don’t think he really did anything to try and change it. After that he rarely contact me first ( in the beginning of our relationship he used to call or text me in … October 15, 2013, 11:25 am. also, jake has started to use the “pretending plans are 1/2 hour earlier then they really are” thing on ME. jake’s a teaser for sure. I think my reaction is such because, IMO, it sounds like she’s tried to work through it and he’s not receptive. I felt like I could tell her anything about me or what was on my mind and I wouldn't be judged. I mean, written out like that, that almost crosses the line from teasing to bullying! I love talking shit to people while they’re being nice to me and I’m crying. Well, I don’t like all rules. Wait…doesn’t she say she’s told him who it makes her feel and he stops for a little and then goes back? I also have a twin sister and she and I are super close. The problem is I'm the one who always says it first. Yea, I’d lighten up. And thanks again Wendy for some great advice this morning! I had to assume that he doesn’t say she is gross every time they kiss, or even close to every time. October 15, 2013, 3:27 pm. My boyfriend (and friends, and family) and I tease each other pretty mercilessly, but one of the things I really like about my boyfriend is that he is very generous with compliments, too (and I try to do the same). I actually can relate a lot to this letter too. meadowphoenix Yeah, it’d be great if he would participate in the planning on his own, but, part of dealing with people is working around their annoying quirks such as never filling anyone in until the last minute. – Bf cancels and makes plans very short-term October 15, 2013, 12:01 pm. October 15, 2013, 12:38 pm. Do both people need to compromise some, yes. October 15, 2013, 10:28 am. They would be for me since I see people who are chronically late as people who think their time is more important than others. Gf and I tease each other a fair bit, but we more than make up for it in nice, positive, loving things we say to each other. And I think that if he’s trying to stop teasing, it’s such an ingrained habit that it’s hard for him to stop. And still he refuses to stop? But he never takes it as (and I never mean it as) a blanket statement to never tease me again, ever. My understanding was that she had already tried that, he didn’t respond well, and the LW is learning that this is just who he is. I thought it was inconsiderate and rude for him to tell me he’d be somewhere at 7, only to come over at 8. But I do think discounting plans you’ve made is disrespectful to you, and mocking you is hurtful. Saying “that’s so gross” when you kiss your significant other isn’t teasing, it is mean and rude especially knowing it bothers them. October 15, 2013, 11:00 am. 1) If you feel loved, then what about him not saying it bothers you? So if he told you how good you were making him feel, would that work too? So they say, “I love you, but I’m not in love with you” not knowing where it will lead. They may simply be incompatible, but they may be able to get over this if they each discuss their needs and feelings and can find some compromises. October 15, 2013, 9:29 am. Different ways of showing love come up as issues all the time on here. October 15, 2013, 11:55 am, Let’s pretend I’m giving him the full benefit of the doubt here. So is it ‘difficult’ for him, maybe not, but that doesn’t mean it’s something he’s used to doing or that it comes easily to him. Meet Shreyash - My boyfriend. October 15, 2013, 12:29 pm. I guess I’m imagining the “insulting her intelligence” as something like her making a silly mistake and him just teasing her about it, not actually thinking she has low intelligence. HOWEVER, if he’s the type of person who responds to ~any~ kind of plan-making language with, “we’ll see how it goes” (& it sounds like this could be the case?”) then you have a bigger problem, & might have to have a bigger talk. October 15, 2013, 12:10 pm. I didn’t really realize how much I resented his schoolwork until the end of our relationship. It is a known fact that it is difficult for men to tell women they love them. October 15, 2013, 11:17 am. To find out which your boyfriend is doing, ask yourself if there is some teasing you’re more uncomfortable with than others, and ask him to stop those things. Also, if you know he’s at least 30 minutes late for EVERYTHING, start white-lying about the start time for things that are particularly important. Samantha This would be a dealbreaker if it happened frequently. Sometimes things are in a grey area and you can compromise and adjust and you can both be happy. Some people are just teasers by nature. October 15, 2013, 11:48 am. Just because you don’t grow up doing something then it is hard to do. Here’s an example how things could be seen differently though…bf comes home with bad haircut. But, each person has their own deal breakers and things they’re willing to work on and aren’t. Finally, I really wouldn’t be okay with someone who didn’t tell me they loved me. My boyfriend sort of got used to it, but I’m also more respectful with my teasing now. October 15, 2013, 12:19 pm. I do think that constant teasing/put downs/dismissing of feelings can be part of abusive behavior. You can be certain, though, that if you continue as you have been, he will never, ever change. October 15, 2013, 9:40 am. You embody everything that I am looking for. So, that was a long-winded way of saying I think the combination of the lack of ILY and the teasing may be bothering you more than the teasing alone? Here’s my 1 word response on the teasing thing… since asking him to knock it off seems to get you either nowhere or gaslit: CONSEQUENCES! I am also abusive. , Lemongrass Punctuality and politeness are super important to me, so it took us a bit of time to adjust to each others scheduling preferences. Just sayin’, muchachaenlaventana and im the one who doesnt say i love you a lot. In what way do his actions show he loves you if he’s totally inconsiderate and teases you? October 15, 2013, 11:08 am, I think we’d be perfect for each other, Fab. Again-not OK. Clearly he can’t respect you enough to take your concerns or wishes to heart. It sounds like my ex loved me but I never loved him, haha. Brian Moylan is a television and pop culture writer who lives in New York. It’s too hard to go cold turkey with the cheese. My time is my life, and you don’t get to claim it without me being in the loop. 8 Signs Your Boyfriend or Husband Doesn’t Love You Anymore. Find out and then ask for that. It took me a bit to realize that he doesn’t see the pattern in his behavior, he just sees each individual opportunity to mess with me and acts on it impulsively. The teasing – WWS. 3. October 15, 2013, 10:49 am. October 15, 2013, 11:27 am. It’s incidental manipulation, not intentional manipulation – he really does see it all as just playing, and it’s not intuitive to him that other people wouldn’t see it that way. To me personally, at no point is “lighten up” an appropriate response. October 15, 2013, 5:14 pm. I’m just exploring this out loud now. 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